Okay, so I am sitting in the living area cooling off as it is pretty warm outside. My two-year old daughter is sitting opposite me, with a book in her lap. She is flipping through the pages and forming her words. To her, she is reading the book just as I read it to her. Often, I'll be reading a book of my own and she will grab one of hers to immitate me. It is amazing how our very young children look up to us and simply adore everything about us when they are tiny little people. On the other hand, my eleven year old son, Jonathan, has been out most of the day playing with the neighborhood kids. This too, is quite normal, he wakes up eats quickly heads out, comes back in for lunch, leaves again. Today, he came in for lunch at Hope's naptime. I had just cleaned the kitchen, made up the bed, picked up all the toys, and thought I think I'll just relax for a little while. Well, for me the instant I had put my head to a pillow, I am sleepy. Okay, I know this is leading to a nap. Jonathan lets me know he is going back outside after he eats. I tell him that is fine, just clean any mess you make in the kitchen. I am in a slumber like state when I hear him moving things around in the kitchen, he then starts to head outdoors, and I just say be careful...and don't slam the door. "SLAM!!!" I knew that would come. Most times I feel like to Jonathan I must sound like the teacher on Charlie Brown. I have even gotten to the point that I will have to say," Look at me!" He will ask why, and I will say because I need to know you are listening to me. Believe it or not, even after that there are times that he still did not really listen. Even when I go to the kitchen after my nap, there is peanut butter still out, grape jelly spilled on the countertop, crumbs. May I scream now? Now at the age where my oldest son Phillip is, he does listen, he just doesn't always do what I would like for him to do. He is twenty and at twenty I guess you do start thinking I don't have to do everything my parents tell me. He is currently in Destin, FL with his girlfriend's family. So I called him and we talked awhile. I was telling him about some things that have been bothering me. He says, I know exactly what you mean, I harbor those kinds of feelings too. Then he continues and tells me, "You know if something causes you that much pain, you need to let it go." I told him, well, that sounds simple and he chimes in but it isn't as easy as it sounds right? So three children, each in their own stage in life, and each of them "LISTEN" differently.
Phllip's talk though did remind me of an e-mail I received from a girlfriend one day out of the blue. I was really struggling over a proposition that had been made to me by someone from my past. I wasn't sure what I really wanted. I tried to pray over it, but I couldn't feel any closure. In my heart I knew the right thing to do, but I wasn't listening to my heart. Well, as I am venturing to Starbucks for my afternoon jolt, I receive this e-mail. I pull into the parking lot and continue reading (reading e-mails and driving is dangerous!) She writes that she has had an overwhelming feeling to tell me something. She also adds that she doesn't want to come off flippant or preachy. Her words are just what I was needing, what I had been praying for. She writes that I have a gift of encouragement, and that she sees in me a remarkable person, but at the same time she sees a little girl who is broken and does not feel worthy in her brokenness. Those words hit hardest. Not that I felt they insulted me, but that she was speaking God's words to me. She continued to tell me that God knows I am trying to make a decision, that I am at a crossroad. That I need to hand my problem over to Him and just try to rest in His security. She added that God doesn't get angry because you are thinking something, He just wants to help you make the right decision. Scott, my husband, often tells me that I act like a little girl, do I like this, NO!!! He backs it up by telling me that he thinks it is due to having my first child at 18 and being put into a situation where I was very unhappy. Even at that time, I had been so angry with God, that when I did need Him, I refused to pray. Journel, I would, but pray no. To me it was not right. All of this time being so angry with him, and then asking him for help. I was angry at being forced to marry a person I did not love, I was angry that my Mother blamed me for the problems she had in her own marriage, even though she had problems for years, I was angry at my Father who left my Mother and had me drive him to the airport. Upon arriving at the airport, he tells me all he cares about in the entire world resides in his one bag. Let me just tell you I was one angry girl! But around my son Phillip I would try to always be happy. I tried to make a good life for him and I tried to love his father. After about five years of marriage, my now ex-husband decided to have an affair. Even after that, I tried to make our marriage work. Three failed attempts, and finally I HEARD God. He was opening the gate for me, I could escape that life and start all over. And that is exactly what I did.
I never went to church much as a young child, so I always felt uncomfortable when I would try to go as an adult. So I started praying, and reading the Bible, reading books about the Bible all on my own. I also, felt that I wanted Phillip to know God, but I wanted him to choose God, not to be spoon fed God.
Remarkably, God puts Scott in my path and me in his. We became friends and would just go see a movie, or go to dinner, but we were not a couple. Often times if Phillip were at my parents home, and I had to close my store at 9:00 pm, we'd go out together late I would just let him sleep in Phillip's bedroom, and I would take the living room floor. Of course my parents had to put there two cents in on this situation as well. Laughing, when I tried to explain he and I were just friends nothing more. I was 23, and I really did not need my parents telling me what to do. So I was sort of like Phillip in this scenario, although Phillip is still living with us, and because of his illness (bi-polar) I am pleased. When he is more stablized I'll feel better about him on his own. Anyway, after nearly 5 months of a friendship, Scott and and start moving toward a intimate relationship. Scott was being careful, and I must say, I respect that. He knew I would not be the only party involved, but my young son would get involved as well. By the time Christmas is upon us, Scott had proposed, at this point we had known one another for a little over a year. Even though my parents tried to disuade me from accepting his proposal I "HEARD" God, and I knew that Scott was meant to be with me, and I was meant to be with him. Not only that, by as my ex-husband decided he would not be involved in Phillip's life any longer, God chose a wonderful father for my son.
This first day of August will mark the thirteenth year celebration for Scott and I. We have two other children now, so in total we have three. All of my children are approximately nine years apart in age. The boys are exactly nine years apart, as they share the same birthdate of 02, April. You just have to reverse their years, Phillip's is 1989 and Jonathan's is 1998. Now when another nine years had passed Scott and jokingly laughed about me being in sync with some lunar mystic. We joked, but did not think any thing serious. Well, as we celebrated our tenth anniversary, I mentioned being a little late for my female time of the month. I had a pregnancy teat at home, for those just in case moments. Although, we both found it doubtful that I could really be pregnant, we are always so careful. When we get back home, I take the test and it reads positive, meaning I am indeed pregnant. I tell Scott,"Well, this is about seven months old, so it could be a false-positive. Just go buy one first thing in the morning, I'll take it and then we should no for certain." So, Scott went first thing bought a two pack test, and both, yes I tok both as I was very surprised, both came back with a positive result. In this scenario, know that God ha been "LISTENING" to me for a long time too. I had talked of the joy it might be to possibly have a daughter. But nothing really ever came of it, so as the time passed I was very happy with my boys, and knew that more children just would not be in my forecast. I love God's sense of humor, because as Scott and I joked that we were in the ninth year, my supposed time to be quite fertile, God probably just smiled and thought, you just wait and see. Now Hope Elizabeth our youngest, I think last child, is nine years younger than Jonathan, and eighteen years younger than Phillip. Being a girl, I think she wanted her own birthday. She arrived on the 18, March 2007. Scott's birthday is on the 15, March and he thought it would be nice if she arrived on his day, but no she wanted her own, not her brothers' day, not her father's day, not even St. Patrick's Day (one of Scott's favorite holidays). She wanted Hope Elizabeth's own special day, and she got it.
I try to tell my children what I mean when I say listen to God, Phillip finally does understand it, Jonathan, sort of, Hope, not a clue at two. But after the way my life has gone, I know to "LISTEN," for He has the right answers, and He will not falter us. He has given me the life I dreamed about, and thought I would never arrive to. He heard everything I said, everything I thought, everything I wrote. He is always "LISTENING" to us. So I will put my trust in Him, He certainly knows more than I do about this world.
